I find that when you’re sick, it can cause you to put things into perspective. I remember when I got the flu several years ago…it was in January and we were planning our wedding for October. I got the flu and let me tell you…it made me want to elope! You get to the point where you realize your priorities. And at that time it made me realize that all I really cared about was that I was in my dress, James was in his tux, we had an officiant and we had rings…anything else could fall by the wayside. As long as I could say my I do that’s all that I could care about. Well it’s the same thing now…just not the flu! lol Bear with me now…this may get deep…
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m goal-oriented, but I’m also easily detered from my focus. When I’m passionate about something I’m all the way in. I’ve noticed lately, over the past month, that I’ve lost focus. You actually have to pay attention so that you keep your mind focused on what you’re trying to achieve. That I am working on…but before I get ahead of myself…
I’ve never really been a very jealous or envious person. There was one girl in highschool who I envied a bit…I felt we were equally pretty, but she had a one up on me…she had money, or at least her family looked like they did…she had the hottest fashions while I had to use my paycheck to save up for a car AND buy my Tommy Hilfiger. She always had her hair done…I had to get my hair done out of my own funds…therefore it didn’t get done regularly…she got a car for her 16th birthday, I was working to save up for my car…you know the drill…but other than that I never really envied anybody. And I’ve finally come to grips with my envy of my friend from highschool. I no longer envy her (she has two more kids than me! trust me I don’t envy that!)
I will admit that lately, the little green friend has been sneaking into my mind and I gotta get it out. Lately when I watch a Haul video on youtube…i’m thinking to myself…why isn’t that me? How come I can’t buy something from each MAC collection that comes out? (Me the one who always says I don’t wanna be a MAC whore) Or if I’m flipping thru the channels and I stop by QVC…in my mind is, why can’t I sit at home and shop whenever I want? Not in the lazy way, but the fact that if I see something I want, I can get it ya know? Is that asking too much? I have friends who are getting new computers, buying their first home, and all I can think is…why can’t that be me? That’s not at all the way that I want to think. It makes me so sad and furious at myself for thinking like that. I’m not less than. I know that everything will come to me in due time. I know that I have to show gratitude and take care of what I currently have before I can expect to be blessed with more. I know this in my mind but at the same time I want more. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even like to watch HGTV (one of my favorite channels) because I can’t watch it happily. Like normally, I’m happy for the person getting their first home. I like to have sincere happiness for other’s, not wishing it was me. It’s hard to watch any of the Real Housewives anymore…I don’t even wanna be on their level…but hell, it would be nice to go to Vegas one day and do all this shopping and whatnot. Idk. So that got me to thinking…
Where are these envious feelings coming from? It has to be something within me, because this is not my normal. That’s what made me realize that I have truly lost focus. I have lost sight of my goals. So what to do about it? Like what’s gonna keep me on track? Well for one is, a to do list. I started, but didn’t finish Chalene Johnson’s 30 day program, so I will get back on that…that’s number one. Number two is I’m going to sit down and write out my vision list…I already have one, but I want to get real specific about what I want. I have my vision board, but it’s kinda tucked away…I have to bring it out in the open. Even if he (the hubby) has things to say about it…I don’t care. I’m putting it up there. Because it’s about me and my vision. I can’t hide my vision or be ashamed of my vision. Writing it down once and never going back to it isn’t gonna cut it. I have to go and look at my vision daily. It should be imprinted in my mind. Because it’s my vision for me and my life. I have to treat it as a priority. That is what I will be working on for myself. I don’t like the feeling of envy. I want to be happy with what I am and what I have. Do you have a vision for yourself? If you dohave you written it down? Pencil to paper? Not on something electronic.
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