Maybe it’s been less than an hour, or a little bit over an hour since I finished the Fifty Shades Trilogy. And I must say, I absolutely loved the books. So much so that I know I will reread them. Currently, the other books in the series are in circulation among some of my co-workers, so it’ll be awhile before I can read again. This post isn’t going to be a review or anything, so don’t worry…no spoilers here! But within the hour, that hole in my heart became ever-present. The loneliness came back with a rush. The sadness….
When I think about it, I guess I’ve always used reading books as a coping mechanism. It’s a form of escapism. And since I used to be on tv and phone restriction every time I turned around as a preteen and teen, I sure did a ton of reading in my youth, and therefore a lot of escaping. These lives in the stories have always been so much more interesting than my own.
I didn’t even realize how I was feeling lately until later in this week. After having a convo with a friend, and doing some reading at home later that day…I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I had tears streaming down my face. Why? For hundreds of reasons…none that I’m willing to divulge. I just know that in my life, it only takes a blink of an eye for things to totally switch up on me. The only thing that’s really working in my favor right now, is my losing weight. Or I should say sticking to my workouts rather. I have no idea how much weight I’ve lost so far. I’m not stepping on the scales again until July 1st. And I’ve been tempted, but it’s right around the corner, so I can hold off. But my clothes are fitting, clothes that I’ve taken tags off of this week after having them for a long time, and people are saying I’ve lost weight..so that’s what I have to go off of for now. But as of the past couple of weeks, it’s the only thing that I feel I have a handle on. It’s the only thing I’m in semi-control of.
I’ve realized that I’m fifty shades of effed up as well…how disturbing. How disturbing that after an hour of my initial therapy session, a complete stranger was able to tell me that I was unhappy. Yes, sir, thanks for sharing. I’m fully aware that I’m unhappy. Is there a happy pill you can give me? Something that takes everything that makes me sad, unhappy, depressed, indifferent…and have them make me feel well with the world. Idk, maybe I’m misdiagnosed. Maybe my panic attacks are a symptom of depression…Who knows?
What I know is that I’m probably gonna start watching Season 1 of The Borgias either tonight or tomorrow. Might as well dive right in to something else…it’s been sitting in the same spot since it came in the mail two weeks ago…shortly after I began the first book…Fifty Shades of Grey. I guess on the bright side, I can get back to life so to speak…I was totally engrossed by the books. I couldn’t and wouldn’t put them down. So at least, some things can get done once again.
What would make you happy? You may be asking…sighs…shit if I know. Perhaps that is the problem. It’s not perhaps. It is. Maybe that’s another reason why I dove into the books so hard. Prior to starting I was doing a lot of self-evaluating…it’s pretty tiring and saddening…nothing I’m really in a rush to get back to. But if I don’t I can’t get better, so I don’t have much choice in the matter.
Leave a Reply