As I Sit Here

As I sit here…

watching the minutes pass by, slowly, so slowly

I’m just not in a good space right now.  And I’m tired of not being in a good space.  Like I feel like I go thru storm after storm after storm.

The inside of me is just wondering…when will I get to enjoy the sunshine?

I have been such a Negative Nancy lately.  Such a Debbie Downer.  This ain’t me.  That’s for sure.

I just can’t seem to shake it.

I can’t seem to get positive and stay positive.  As if my positivity light bulb gets bright and then dims out until it’s gone.

If I let my mind wander for a minute…I’ll get tears in my eyes.

Sometimes I can explain why I’m crying and sometimes I can’t.

I try not to cry in front of others, mostly the kids.  Mommy is supposed to be strong.  I try not to cry in front of DH.  I try not to cry at work, where I want to cry the most.  So most often you’ll catch me crying in the car.  On the way to work.  On the way from it.

Sometimes I’m crying because I’m praying.  Sometimes I’m crying because I’m desperate.  Feeling hopeless, helpless, stuck, angry, sad, depressed, disgusted… I could really keep going.  But I won’t.

And I know to stay positive.  I know God will make a way.  I know to keep an attitude of gratitude.  I know all of these things and yet, I stay crying.

So as I sit here, watching the minutes go by… wondering when will it be my turn at happiness.  When will it be my turn to have something simply amazing happen to me?  When will I be able to give my family all of the things I want to?  They say it’s only temporary, but this has been a very long temporary and I know God won’t put more on me than I can bear… I know that to be true.  But my goodness!!!!  Everything makes me so sad.