Here is the post that I posted a couple of years ago on myspace regarding the post I just did….
Monday, April 07, 2008
Current mood: contemplative
It’s been so long since I’ve been on myspace fully and able to blog. How I miss it so! But I’ve been putting in mad hours as manager and I finally have a day off and man do I have a lot to say! A lot of the things I have to say however, have passed so I won’t be bringing up a lot of it due to timing. So I’ll start with a personal issue. And please share your comments.
Okay, so a week ago we went to New Jersey for my cousin in law’s wedding. Unfortunately we were in south Jersey, 2 hours away from Philly, instead of north Jersey, 15 minutes away. I would’ve liked to go and see my cousins and my Aunt Pat. I haven’t seen my family up north since I was like 15. And I would have loved loved loved to eat a hoagie!! It makes my mouth water just thinking about it. I can’t help it, I love hoagies. Nobody does it like Philly. But back to my point. So on the way, it was me, James and my mother in law, we got on the subject of my father. I don’t know how, but we did. And basically, I don’t have a relationship with my biological father. I used to think he was the world, but that was when I was young and didn’t know any better. When my grandma died, that’s when everything for me changed. In more ways than one. That’s when I started to gain weight and have an issue with food. That’s also when my relationship with my father changed. The next summer when I went to visit, he had married of Jehovah’s Witness, JW for short. From that point on I didn’t get birthday cards or calls or anything. Nothing for Christmas. Barely a phone call for anything. And when I went to visit, they tried to keep me and my step-sister apart, they thought she was a bad influence, but in fact we were so much alike and we hit it off wonderfully. She was the sister I always wanted. I also gained an older step-brother and we all got along great. My father, whom I will refer to as JC hasn’t been a large part of my life since we left for Germany when I was almost 5. And after that it was summers only. An occasional Christmas or Halloween I would spend with him, when my mom was on TDY with the air force. So when I went up to visit, after he had married,(by the way, I really liked my stepmom, I thought she was pretty cool, and she really liked me) he tried to flip the switch and regulate on me as if he had been my dad all year long. Don’t try to tell me I can’t do the things that even my Super Christian mom won’t let me do. Don’t try to force me to go to Kingdom Hall when you know my mom’s a minister and I’m Christian. Don’t try to yell at me just because I’m growing up and you can’t handle it. My mom told me that she told him when I was a child, that if he doesn’t do right by me he will never have anything in his life. Kinda like in the Color Purple “until you do right by me…” you know the quote. And that’s been the case. He’s gone from job to job, etc never really able to make it, basically because he never did right by me. There was never any child support. The last gift I received from him was for a birthday. It was a stereo that had a 3 disc cd changer. I was like 13. That’s the last thing. I invited him to my highschool graduation. If I’m your supposed only child wouldn’t you at least try to come to my graduation? He said he was coming. I was so excited. Only to get a call that he couldn’t make it. He couldn’t afford to come down. Granted he had never flown to get me. I was the one who always flew to him. He never made the drive all the way down to get me. The closest he came was Rocky Mount. And that was because his wife had friends or family there. So you couldn’t drive the extra 45 minutes from Rocky Mount to Goldsboro??? That really hurt my heart that he didn’t come to my graduation. So he said he would come to my graduation from community college. I told him there wasn’t one because I was transferring, not getting an Associate’s degree. Fast forward to my first year at ECU. 2 1/2 years after highschool graduation. I decided to put my last effort out there to have a relationship with him. I sent him a letter. He sent me one back promising that he would keep in contact with me and gave me a bum email address. From that point I gave up. I said the ball is in his court. And if he chose to be out of my life that was fine by me. Besides I have my two parents. My mom and stepdad. I decided from that point on that he wouldn’t know about my children. I wouldn’t invite him to my wedding. I wouldn’t invite him to my ECU graduation. He was dead to me.
Now fast forward to present day. Early this week in the mail was a letter from guess who? JC. I haven’t told my mom yet. She would be shocked. I let James read it. It’s really short. But basically states that he wants to have a relationship all of a sudden. But I’m not ready to. I’m not ready to go down that road. There’s a lot of hurt and pain and I’m just not trying to go there, you know? He wants me to email him to let him know I’m ok, which I will, but I don’t think I can go much further than that right now. I’ve forgiven him a long time ago, because I realized that that was blocking my blessings. I’ll have to pray about it, but I’m not ready to. What do yall think?
you know i don't mind your being longwinded!!! thank you my love for your encouraging words, u hit the nail on the head, I don't wanna see what happens, I don't wanna be hurt after I've gotten closure on this. That's why I forgave him before is to gain closure bc I knew I couldn't move forward until I did, but to have this come up out of nowhere…and I understand me being grown now that he's only human and is probably just trying to gain closure himself, and him trying to be the parent and reach out to me…idk, I've been procrastinating about calling my mom about it yet, it'll probably be a few weeks before I accept the friend request…but I probably will and take it slow.
All righty… I don't know what to say about fathers of the 80's children. They all seem to have issues of some kind. I remember telling you about my father. I was a daddy's girl so I am a little bias. My dad chose cocaine over his family. There were the drunken empty promises and all that stuff. The only real commmunication efforts have been on my part. My dad, even now, doesn't call me a whole lot, but it is a lot better than it was. I even got my brother in on the communication. Now my brother wasn't having any parts of him, period. But what I told him is the same thing I am telling you. The reason it keeps coming up every-so-often is because there is unfinished and unsettled business there. Your father is who he is. It is not in his personality to be what you invision and in every relationship there is some kind of imbalance. I call my dad like 2 of 3 times a month maybe, when I remember or he runs accross my mind. But I am at peace with that. He calls me about the same. You have to get peace. Afterall God really isn't gonna be interest in why you acted like you did towards your father, he is just gonna be interested in how you acted towards him. I say do your part. If that is sending a card with pics every Christmas or on Father's day then so be it. No one says you have to be all father/daughter with him if you don't want to. But I know from experience in your heart of hearts you do. It's in our nature. We can't help who we love no matter how much they hurt us. You know all the details as to why he didn't send cards and call…well all the details you need to know…and maybe too much. I don't think that changes his love for you. Missing graduation probably really hurt him too especially since he said he would be there. I learned parents only do what they know. They can't do any better because they are working with their life experiences and influences to guide them. Things that seem common sense to us may not be to them. And is only common sense to us because we are the ones wanting to be treated a certain way. I say, lower your expectations and take is one day at a time. It is ok to start small. And remember that it is a process. Nothing promising is gonna happen over night. It probably took a lot of courage for him to write you that letter AND actually mail it. He is doing what he can to make things better between you two. Now it is up to you to teach him and guide him into the relationship you want. I am still molding my dad and he doesn't even know it. Our relarionship now is a lot better for it. But I did most of the work. Like I said, I talked to my brother to get him to talk to him. Pray about it and be completely open and naked in front of God about this so you can get in a place where you are strong enough to handle what ever happens next. But leace your heart open and take it slow. Maybe send letters back and forth and email, then go for a phone call or two, no promises, no strings attached. I know I am a bit long winded but the potential for the relationship you guys could have is there. You just have to be willing to take a small step. Like you said you put the ball in his court and now he has chosen to reach out to you. It is up to you to reach back.